Dear Linc,
I heard about the tied game of extra innings. I can only hope that such a gloriously victorious and epic game is in store for me on Wednesday night. Although I’m boldly planning on bolting out of my shift as soon as it’s done, and The Ballpark is not too far from work, I’ve already steeled myself for the fact that I will be cutting it close to the 7:15 start time, least of all batting practice. At first, I hesitated about going to this game because the time between when I get off my shift and the start time is so, so short compared against my preferred routine. But then I saw how cheap the tickets are for that night — I scored a three-buck seat, though sadly after tax and fees it ballooned to the price of a movie ticket — and I couldn’t resist. As soon as I saw that my ticket was available for download, I was glad that I risked the stability of my precarious budget because it gave me something to look forward to. Also, it seemed silly to rule out of a ballgame just for a little deviation from my oh-so-profound tradition.
Having something to look forward to, especially a ballgame, was just what I needed at work today, Linc. I can’t explain the crushing malaise that again blanketed me today. If I listen to the rawness of my feelings, and by extension admit that my character is full of cliches, then the words that come up include: miserable, restless, shy, ashamed and alone. Who’s to say why I suddenly felt all of those things? I certainly haven’t a clue. My therapist would probably get me to admit that what triggered this latest bout of severely internalized sadness was a sarcastic remark from a coworker. Which, yes, it was irritating — but only for a minute or two, and after that minute or two my feathers went unruffled and I again was able to accept and understand this coworker as a ususally sassy person, and anyway, who am I to question the character of others? I can only control how I feel, and yet that was my very problem that I had today: I couldn’t stop feeling everything I had just described, plus confusion and then exhaustion. The confusion was over why I should be continuing to feel so glum and the exhaustion was from how I just couldn’t stop. For my two 15-minute breaks and my lunch, I went for a walk and that kinda helped. Maybe fresh air is all I needed. But why did I feel so suffocated to begin with? I mean, geez. Is it really that bad?
After work, I really wanted to go to the movies and zone out. But I thought about the ballgame ticket that I bought earlier in the day, and I still do not regret it, but it just did not seem sensible to go to a non-matinee movie when I’d already made that prior expense. There was also something vaguely repulsive about the notion of escaping to a movie theatre to watch the movie alone, which I generally think is a wonderful activity and more people really should feel secure about watching a movie on their own. This time it felt too much like hiding, an entitlement to which I have freely treated myself, but this time there was something cowardly about resorting to being a loner. Immature. So now I’m going home to the full company of my best friend, her fiance and their two cats and I’m going to cook a frozen burrito that was on sale in a pack at Safeway; anyway, I’m going to be attending the game solo. I am obviously looking forward to the game and obviously I still quite like being a loner. But just because this game is my saving grace for the week, don’t tell the guys they absolutely have to win or anything. No pressure! Ha.
Joe
