081.0: The moment that you feel that way, too.
Look at this nonsense. Do you know how relieved I was when I woke up on Friday morning and saw that nothing was happening that whole day? I was very relieved.
JVS is the name of this wonderful non-profit that I’ve been using to plan my next step, career-wise. (And, yes, I actually do pencil in time to read the books that I’m reading for fun.) I’m actually utilizing a couple of resources to figure out the age old problem of What I Want To Do With the Rest of my Life. There’s a pretty decent career resource center at school, too — both schools, actually: yeah, I’m going to Golden Gate, but I’m also taking some core and remedial classes at City College, where it’s cheaper to take those kinds of things. I’m going to be catching up on math for a long time, I think — at least two, if not three, semesters. I just don’t feel confident enough to take the actual required courses without going back to the basics.
That doesn’t sound like a very encouraging thing for a future banker to say, does it? Yeah, I know that I’ve mentioned in some prior never-to-be-sents that I have been Big Dreaming about becoming, among other things, a pastor. But that kind of dream is way down the line, and for my immediate career track, I’ve been looking into, yes, banking. I’ve had some really interesting discussions with some recruiters who make it sound less scary than I thought. Before you ask (if you ever do, which you probably won’t), yes, people have been shocked when I tell them this. In fact, they are already shocked when I tell them that I’m in business school. It comes down to five words: “It’s so not like you.”
But it is like me, Linc. That’s the thing. I think that this is the natural evolution of who I am, whoever that is: the wanderer, the dreamer, the wannabe writer has to end up somewhere. Right? I can’t just spend the rest of my life wandering and dreaming and, as much as I want to, I can’t just hole myself up in Our Ballpark (or, for that matter, even The Ballpark). This whole journey hasn’t just been a matter of finding myself, or finally coming to the realization that life’s practicalities are unavoidable — it’s about the reconciliation between what’s required of living in this world, and what I would like to do for myself in this world. The journey has taken 31 years, Linc. I’m not saying that going to business school or (maybe) becoming a banker might bring some resolution, but at least I’m arriving at something that I like that is also something somewhat close to concrete. Maybe this is what “growing up” feels like. Maybe not. It’s something, all right.
I was thinking about this one evening this week during the night commute back home. When I am at JVS, my time there is not that much different from going into an actual office job: I get up early, the computer center isn’t that all that different from an office, and I get on a computer and strategize for the whole day. I even take lunch breaks. I am not getting paid for this, but figuring out a career, a decent long-term career, is a full-time job. And I was standing on a crowded commuter express bus one night, and my feet were hurting — no one got off the bus for a long time, and it’s a long ride from downtown to my place — and it suddenly occurred to me that I didn’t know if any of this was ever going to amount to anything.
But then this song started playing on my Pandora, and maybe I’m an eternally hopeless romantic, but this song helped remind me of something, some innocence that gets harder and harder to hold onto. The thing is, I need to hold onto it, Linc. I need to hold onto it to keep going.
By the way, nice game last night. Yeah, the team didn’t win. But I am glad that you did well.
I’d better go. I’m actually at work — my real, actual paying job — and my lunch break is about to end.